TROPHIES FOR LOSING?

I hate losing. I'm not like those who shrug off a loss. I hate it nearly as much as anything in this world. If you have ever competed and lost you probably feel the same way – just not as intensely.

Losing hurts because it is direct evidence that there are others in this world that are better, faster, bigger, stronger, and/or smarter than you.

Perhaps this is why we don’t want to expose our kids to losing anymore. We want everyone to be a winner. So we hand out trophies, awards and blue ribbons at the end of a competition to all who competed - only because they competed.

Or maybe we have allowed our identity to be connected to winning and losing. We forget that you can lose and not be a loser. Likewise you can win and never be a winner.

My friends and I were just talking about this the other night. They told us about their son’s soccer team. My friend was the coach and he said, “We were terrible. Every game was an epic loss. We stopped counting the other team’s goals because it was that bad!”

At their last practice the parents were thanking him for coaching. To his surprise several said, “When can we give them their trophies?” Trophies? They were the bottom of the barrel. The worst of the worst. Why give them trophies? Why not use this as a time to teach them about the reality of loss?

We must understand winning is not essential to living a good life, but learning how to deal with losing and loss is. While this can sound heartless and cruel, in my experience, loss is more certain in everyday life than winning ever is.

Loss is a form of suffering. This is why no one likes it. Richard Rohr defines suffering as the "loss of control." That’s exactly what losing is.

You didn’t get the job. You scored fewer points. You couldn’t make the relationship work. You could not control the outcome - it went differently than you would have liked. This is part of life.

If all we want is for our children to feel like winners, we then have to ask the question, “When will they learn about suffering?” We can only shelter our children from that harsh reality for so long before they figure out we've been hiding something.

If children receive awards for competing, they could end up feeling entitled to anything. Just imagine what that would be like.

What then will happen when a child matures into an adult and doesn't get the promotion, the job or whatever they wanted only because they pursued it? What happens when they come face-to-face with suffering?

Chances are they will be clueless on what they should do in response, for they never learned about loss. They were only ever told they were winners.

Like I said, I hate losing. Yet, when I look at my life it is the times of loss, suffering and defeat that have formed me far more than the fleeting joy of victory. We must teach our children the same.

We cannot protect them forever, but we can teach them how to accept loss and be transformed into something beautiful because of it. And that will last far longer than any trophy.

THE ISOLATION OF BEING CONNECTED

How lonely and isolated have we become? It’s hard to answer that questions anymore with how connected we are. But connection may not be the best word to use.

Never before have we been able to share information the way we do today. We can tell people things they have never asked about. thanks to our status updates on Facebook or our tweets on Twitter.

We are glued to our smartphones so we can constantly stay in touch through texting and email. Then there is LinkedIn, Pinterest, Google Plus, and the list goes on.

We are saturated with information to the point where we find it hard to listen anymore. And when we speak it is no better. Our voice threatens to be drowned out by the noise of the information super highway.

So we are connected, but we are not communicating. We are speaking, but not listening well. We share our information with others and learn about their lives, but is it possible we are more alone than ever before?

Is this what technology has done to us?

In March of this year, Sherry Turkle, author of Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Ourselves, gave a talk at TED2012 titled, “Connected, but alone?” It’s well worth your time. It’s challenging and quite frightening too, and goes toward answering the question of how isolated we have become.

ROOTING FOR TIGER WOODS NOW MORE THAN EVER

Photo: REUTERS

“Tiger Woods is an ass.” This was a text message I received on Thanksgiving weekend in 2009. Days before the story of Tiger Woods’ infidelity went public. During that time I heard a lot of people say negative things to say about him. Sadly, many of those who had the worst things to say were Christians.

At one level, it’s understandable. He was an easy target. Up until that time he was at the height of global stardom and fame. On the golf course he seemed unbeatable. There were so many moments when he would make the perfect shot or sink the long putt to win. You could never count him out of any tournament.

Then, in a moment that was all gone for him. The pictures of his wrecked SUV, the voicemail that went viral and all the gossip that settled like choice morsels into our stomachs. The world wondered how a man who had it all could do what he did.

That was the moment that Christians should have really started rooting for Tiger Woods. Sure it would be great if he kept winning. It would be nice to see him in the final round in his trademark red shirt and black pants pumping his fist after a clutch birdie. But that’s not what we should rooting for.

In 2009 Tiger Woods did a face plant. Because of his many wrong choices his world fell apart. The man who once seemed invincible was now a wounded human being.

It amazes me how many Christians are willing to criticize those who have fallen. It seems that the Christian army are far too willing to shoot the wounded.

But shouldn’t we be the first ones to come alongside those who have fallen to show mercy, love, grace and compassion? Of all people in this world, shouldn’t Christians always root for restoration?

Central to the Christian faith is the claim that all men and women are sinful and broken, but through God’s mercy they are on the mend and experiencing new life. Those who follow Jesus claim God’s saving grace and forgiveness. Why is it then, so many seem unable or unwilling to give it?

What we can never forget is that at the heart of God’s grace is the rule that we can only receive it if we are willing to be made into its agents. What has happened to us must be done by us.*

This past Sunday, Tiger once again provided some excitement on the course. He had an impossible shot on the 16^th hole. He had to make it, and he did. The crowd went bonkers, and the excitement was tangible. He went on to win his 73^rdPGA event tying him with the legend, Jack Nicklaus.

As I sat and watched it I found myself rooting for him and cheering him. Perhaps it's time to really start rooting for Tiger. Not just that he’d win more tournaments. Our prayer ought to be that his wins off the course would be far greater than anything we’ve seen in a final round of a tournament.

*A paraphrase of from Exclusion and Embrace by Miroslav Volf, page 129

YOUR BRAIN ON PORN

These days, more people than ever are into porn. Most believe that their constant intake of images and videos has little or no effect on them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Porn has significant effects on those who look at it.

Research shows the effect is not just spiritual or emotional. Looking at porn has significant physical effects too.

It can actually rewire your brain's circuitry. Sounds a little sci-fi doesn't it?

However it sounds, it's real. And if our brains get a rewiring from porn, is there any way out or any hope of stopping? The good news is there is.

My friend, Michael Cusick, wrote about this very thing in his new book titled Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle. His book is not just another book telling you not to look at porn; it's an invitation to freedom and renewal.

You can read an excerpt from his book in the article "This is Your Brain on Porn" in Relevant Magazine.

Of all the books, articles and thinking that I have come across addressing porn, sexuality and addiction Michael is far and away the best thinker. His approach is holistic as he explores the physical, spiritual, psychological and emotional dimensions of the human heart.

This is a book worth reading and buying for everyone you know. And that is not a recommendation as much as it is a request for you to do so. The good news is you can read it today.

Thomas Nelson is giving away a total of 25,000 FREE downloads of the book. Just sign up at www.surfingforgodbook.com and you will receive a link, on or by June 6 for one free download. It's more than worth it. 

Because it's true that more people than ever are into porn. But it's also true that there is a doorway toward freedom.

MULTIPLYING MISSIONAL LEADERS: A REVIEW

Everything you own, have worked for and even the people you love will all be gone. Even your best-laid plans will, over time, disappear. A cheerful thought, no? The only thing that has any real staying power are the immaterial things we leave behind.

As a follower of Jesus I have learned to understand this in terms of making disciples. The more I give myself over to pouring into the life of another, the more they will do the same. As they do, parts of me (really, Christ in me) will spill out of their life. Most Christian men and women that I have met have some desire to do this. The problem is not that they don’t care, but that they do not know how.

Mike Breen’s recent book Multiplying Missional Leaders moves toward changing that.

It weds theory and practice and invites innovation on the part of all who are willing to take on the journey of making disciples. If you know Mike he is a pioneering leader – always on the move. Yet, I’ve learned much from him about serving others and even more about making disciples as I have seen him pour himself into others.

In Multiplying Missional Leaders he not only tells wonderful stories (in which you can almost hear him speaking), but lends imagination to the reader as to how we can empower more men and women than ever in their service to the Kingdom.

I say “lends imagination” because this is not a simple “how to” book. If it were, I’m not sure I would have liked it very much. It is not a formula to plug your church’s information into. It is much more of a form that serves as a framework and a starting point.

Those who read it will find themselves spurred on to greater thinking about how to care for and cultivate those who are a part of their faith communities.

The greatest importance of this book is it’s focus on making disciples who make disciples – this cannot be understated. The reason that you and I follow Jesus today is because for the last 2,000 years men and women have heard the call to make disciples (sometimes brilliantly and other times badly). Nonetheless, here we are.  

Does it have all the answers? No. Is it the magical silver bullet? No. Is it worth the read? Yes.

My biggest dream for the city of Denver (and I hope it’s the same for you and your city) is that years from now, when my kids are old and gray and I’m dead, my grandkids and their kids will wonder why Denver is a city that is whole and healed.

And when they ask, my children will tell a story – not about me – but about thousands of us who believed that we can actively participate in the prayer of Jesus when he said, “Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven …”

This will only happen if we learn to mobilize mission minded men and women who learn to mobilize mission minded men and women. Then generations from now, we may not be remembered but the Kingdom will be visible in a way that it has never been before.

And that’s something that is worth leaving behind.

TWELVE WORDS, TEN MINUTES, THIRTY DAYS

What would it take to find silence for ten minutes everyday? 

No phone. No email. No Facebook. No Twitter. No Pinterest. Nothing. Just silence. 

In this time it would be God, you, your breath and twelve words. 

This is what I am proposing for the month of June. What if everyday, for thirty days you spent ten minutes like this? That would only be 300 minutes out of the 43,200 minutes that are in the entire month. 

By now you may be wondering what I am prattling on about – allow me to explain. 

Not too long ago George Stavros from Boston University decided to do a study with over one hundred people for thirty days. The study asked participants to pray the “Jesus Prayer” for ten minutes everyday for thirty days. 

Before he began his observation of those who participated he measured things like anxiety, depression, anger, hostility and feelings of inferiority. After the thirty days he measured the same things, and found significantly reduced levels in all the negative categories for the participants. 

His findings were so strong that he suggested his colleagues keep the “Jesus Prayer” in mind as a healing intervention. Imagine that; prayer brought healing. 

Now, you may have a few questions. 

First, “What is the Jesus prayer?” It is a traditional prayer that is twelve words long, it is simply: 

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, 

Have mercy on me, a sinner. 

When you pray this prayer you inhale deeply while praying the first line and exhale as you pray the second line. 

Second, you may wonder if June is a special month. No, but do you remember that rhyme from elementary school? “Thirty days has September, April, June and November …” It has thirty days - a start and an end. For many this makes doing something like this seem possible. However, my hope is that this will become a daily rhythm for many of us extending far beyond June. 

Third, why do this at all? I have contemplated this for some time. Then I re-read a book by my friend and mentor Ed Dobson titled The Year of Living Like Jesus. In it he tells a story of a pilgrim traveling in Russia who learned the Jesus Prayer and began saying it twelve thousand times everyday (for the record that would be more than ten minutes). As he traveled he reflected, saying: 

"When the cold air chills me, I begin saying the prayer with greater intensity and I warm up. When hunger begins to overcome me, I begin saying the name of Jesus Christ more frequently … When I become sick and feel rheumatic pain in my back and legs, I pay greater attention to the prayer and I do not feel the pain. When someone offends me, I remember how sweet the Jesus prayer is and the offense and anger disappear and I forget everything."

This causes me to wonder what I will say at the end of thirty days. 

For as much as Stavros’ observations showed the power of prayer, it also showed an indispensible part of the prayer was the community around it.  I invite you to join me in this. Let me know if you wish to join – perhaps together we will all learn of the power of prayer.

Signing Off

This week my wife and I are attending a retreat, and then we will spend time with her family at a wedding. In the midst of it all we plan on working in some time on the beach and finding that elusive thing we call “rest.”

This is something that I have learned to love deeply. But it did not (and at times still does not) come easy. There are people I know who always want to be an exception to the rule of unplugging. They are able to find some reason why if they are not connected something will go wrong.

I recognize there are some reasons every now and then that do not allow everyone to disengage, but perhaps we are guilty of finding many reasons rather than having a good reason.

It is rare that I speak with anyone anymore who doesn’t feel busy, short on time, in a hurry or has any free time. We have created technology to allow us to do things faster than ever, yet we still cannot find anytime to everything we want, especially rest.

One of the disciplines I am learning is to schedule times like this. Not just once in a while, but daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. Many people assume I am busy because I have limited availability, but the truth is something different.

If I get too busy I, like everyone, get stressed, filled with anxiety, cranky, and uptight. So I schedule myself to not be busy. In doing this I am more present and centered when I do meet with others. Does it work perfectly? No. But the more I practice this the more I see the times I am getting too busy, which alerts me to slow down.

We must all come to grips with the fact that the sun will go on rising or setting without us. God is pleased when we serve him, but he is not on pins and needles wondering what he would do if we didn’t squeeze in that one last appointment.

As I sign off for the week, may you see that you can find rest and renewal. May you unplug and truly see your friends, family and this miraculous world of ours. May you break the cord of the electronic tether and find the freedom of not being busy.

Charity or Justice

There is a deep divide between charity and justice. Charity can, at its worst be nothing more than pity. A condescending way of helping those who are "less fortunate" than you. Sometimes, even without knowing it, we give to those who have less and believe they are not much like us. 

Justice however sings a different tune. It's about making things right and ensuring that everyone has enough because everyone deserves to have enough. If we are to pursue justice, we have to first believe deep in our bones that those who have less are exactly like us.

In my experience, the Church has not done all she could in helping us to truly see poverty - in the world and in ourselves. The result of not doing so has created a charity based culture. We can give, feel good and walk away. And our giving only ensures that the problem will remain - good for us, then we can give again. 

We must come to grips with the fact that we may not really believe that the vulnerable, poor and marginalized are in fact like us. If it were our sons and daughter, our neighbors, our friends who were starving, dying, enslaved, or thirsty we would not stand for it. This is what is so striking about Jesus words, "Whatever you have done for the least of my brothers and sisters, you've done it to me."

If we are to fully identify with Jesus we must see ourselves in the most vulnerable. 

Relevant Magazine just featured a wonderful article that speaks toward how charity can hurt rather than help. Perhaps the answer is to be found in seeing - not the other - but men and women and children like us.

You can read the article from Relevant here.