TROPHIES FOR LOSING?

I hate losing. I'm not like those who shrug off a loss. I hate it nearly as much as anything in this world. If you have ever competed and lost you probably feel the same way – just not as intensely.

Losing hurts because it is direct evidence that there are others in this world that are better, faster, bigger, stronger, and/or smarter than you.

Perhaps this is why we don’t want to expose our kids to losing anymore. We want everyone to be a winner. So we hand out trophies, awards and blue ribbons at the end of a competition to all who competed - only because they competed.

Or maybe we have allowed our identity to be connected to winning and losing. We forget that you can lose and not be a loser. Likewise you can win and never be a winner.

My friends and I were just talking about this the other night. They told us about their son’s soccer team. My friend was the coach and he said, “We were terrible. Every game was an epic loss. We stopped counting the other team’s goals because it was that bad!”

At their last practice the parents were thanking him for coaching. To his surprise several said, “When can we give them their trophies?” Trophies? They were the bottom of the barrel. The worst of the worst. Why give them trophies? Why not use this as a time to teach them about the reality of loss?

We must understand winning is not essential to living a good life, but learning how to deal with losing and loss is. While this can sound heartless and cruel, in my experience, loss is more certain in everyday life than winning ever is.

Loss is a form of suffering. This is why no one likes it. Richard Rohr defines suffering as the "loss of control." That’s exactly what losing is.

You didn’t get the job. You scored fewer points. You couldn’t make the relationship work. You could not control the outcome - it went differently than you would have liked. This is part of life.

If all we want is for our children to feel like winners, we then have to ask the question, “When will they learn about suffering?” We can only shelter our children from that harsh reality for so long before they figure out we've been hiding something.

If children receive awards for competing, they could end up feeling entitled to anything. Just imagine what that would be like.

What then will happen when a child matures into an adult and doesn't get the promotion, the job or whatever they wanted only because they pursued it? What happens when they come face-to-face with suffering?

Chances are they will be clueless on what they should do in response, for they never learned about loss. They were only ever told they were winners.

Like I said, I hate losing. Yet, when I look at my life it is the times of loss, suffering and defeat that have formed me far more than the fleeting joy of victory. We must teach our children the same.

We cannot protect them forever, but we can teach them how to accept loss and be transformed into something beautiful because of it. And that will last far longer than any trophy.