Sinful Thoughts, 1.2: The Betrayal of Behavior

When we attempt to make sin a clean cut by amassing a long list of rules we unknowingly give birth to something that can take us further from our hearts and true selves. This thing is something called behavior modification. If you’ve been around rule based systems you know what this is. Behavior modification, in this context, is more concerned with one’s external performance than with their internal self.

Several weeks ago I had lunch with an old friend from the college I attended. He told me that while there he was able to obey the rules and never caused any trouble. He said to me, “I looked the part and acted the part, I never questioned anything. The downside of this was no one asked me about how I was doing inside.”

Why did no one ask about his inner self? In his estimation it was because he could behave beautifully within the system. If his outward behavior was good, then all must be right with him. This was true for many at our school.

Conversely, if you did not obey the rules well the immediate assumption was that you were not living a godly life. While the college made claims of wanting to create critical thinkers, the reality that I saw and experienced was that the critical thinkers who challenged the presumptions, questioned the accepted, collective thinking, and were free from the rules were the marginalized. My friend at lunch said, “I think the students who were asking the hard questions and even rebelling when we were at school are the ones who were in a better place.”

He may be right. It was the ones who went against the institutional norms and preferences (even those whose inner life was quite healthy) that warranted the most attention. In the end my friend and I agreed that outward behavior was no indicator of the heart of a person. I saw this many years ago in the most devastating way when a friend of mine was caught in his sex addiction.

The more details about his secret life that were exposed the darker things became. Many came around him in a show of love, compassion, mercy, and grace - including his wonderful wife. As time went on however, much of the advice and counsel he received was focused on behavior.

One evening my wife and I had dinner with them, and on the way home we talked about their situation. Our concern was that few were asking questions of the heart. Most of the advice given him was about how to prevent making the same mistakes again. Most of the instruction began with the words “Do not …”

Few were asking about his heart. Few were asking questions that dug deeply in order to explore what was stirring in his soul that could lead him to such dark actions. The lack of these kinds of questions, and the intense focus on behavior reveals what most of us really want.

We want things to be okay. We want smiles, happiness, and politeness. If we can act outwardly in a way that displays all of these things then we can fool ourselves into believing that we are all good. Sin becomes easily repaired. If we “do not” do this or that anymore, then we are all good - at least on the outside; even if our inside is disintegrating.

This way of seeing was on display in 2008 when Beijing hosted the Olympic Games. The day after the marathon was run there was an article exposing China’s dark side. The article spoke about how all along the marathon route Chinese officials hung massive backdrops. They were decorated with Chinese art and the Olympic Logo. As much of the world watched all they saw were athletes running along paved roads with art in the background.

The article spoke of how the art that was hanging was there to cover over the slum conditions of many who live along the marathon route. It was a sham. On one side it was the Olympic Games - the height of human achievement, the glory, the competition, and the sportsmanship. On the other side it was dire poverty - the agony, the brokenness, and the epitome of human frailty.

Those curtains that covered the shame of a country are like the behavior that we can front, and the behavior that is often encouraged. It is a mask for our heart and soul. It allows us to clean sin up quickly and continues to move us away from being human.

We act as drones, responding simply to commands that we are given. If we respond well we are left alone. If we do not respond well we are fixed with punishment, a guilt trip, or a stern lecture - and we respond by changing the way we act. But all the while our pink, fleshy heart can escape unnoticed and unchanged.

Not long ago my wife received a phone call from my friend’s wife. It turns out he never stopped engaging his sex addiction. In many ways it has become worse than it was before she caught him the first time. We were saddened, but truthfully, not entirely surprised. He was able to get along for three years with an outward performance that ultimately demanded little inward transformation.

I believe that his close friends and loved ones do really care about seeing his heart and soul transformed. Yet they cannot seem to shake a system that places such a high priority on behavior. As long as we succumb to the easy systems that demand right behavior, we will forever forsake the relationship that calls for transformation.

If all we can see are a few broken rules or a nice clean cut, then all we need to fix it is right actions and behavior. But if we see deeper, if we see sin as something shattered, torn, and ruptured - then we will see beyond the actions into the heart. We will see the need for inward healing.

And when healing does happen, in time the outward behavior will change - not because of any dehumanizing system. Behavior will change because of a relationship that has transformed the heart, mind, and soul of the person.