Sinful Thoughts, 1.3: A Slow Fix
Fixing problems within a system is rather easy. Since everything has a place and a function, we can quickly determine when a part is malfunctioning. We assess it and replace it or repair it as needed. When we live according to this system we fool ourselves into believing that we can get along fine with a quick fix. This quick fix not only happens in the life of the individual, but there is often an attempt to quickly fix relationships as well.
This attempt, while noble, is often approached in the same way we have been trained to relate to systems. We think there is a clean cut with defined boundaries, and there needs to be some sort of correction. The problem with this is that relationships are never clean cut.
Sin brings with it wounds and pain at different levels. The injuries sustained always take time to heal. Yet when sin is a simple matter of rule-breaking and behavior modification we believe that when we are back “in-bounds” and the behavior is good, that the one we sinned against should also be ready to resume business as usual – after an apology of course.
Earlier this week I sat with a fellow from our faith community who was aghast about an email he had received. There is a person in his life that has caused him tremendous pain. This person has caused him financial strain, turned others against him, and created deep emotional scars.
After more than a year of not hearing from him, he received a rather friendly email from this person expressing they were sorry and wanted to “reconnect.” He wrote an email back saying that he could not, at this point in his life, see this person. The person then replied to ask why he was so unforgiving, and explained that his response was not that of Jesus. He said to me, “What am I supposed to do? I do not want to see this person, and because of this I am told that I am the one who is unforgiving!”
When we make sin something other than a relational rupture, even our attempted repair of it falls short. Until we are willing to identify sin for what it is we will never be able to bring proper healing. A sinful action always has a perpetrator and a victim.
In my experience I have often seen the perpetrator wonder why the victim can’t just forgive. My friend Ryan was once asked by his abusive father, “Why can’t you just forgive and forget?” This question came only a week after his father brought up the idea that one day he might apologize to him.
This attitude of Ryan’s father is understandable when sin is removed from its relational context. When sin is just a step over the boundary, a breaking of the system’s rules, or a small misjudgment, then we can just say, “I’m sorry” and move on. But for the victim it is never that easy. And no amount of good behavior will fix things quickly.
It always takes time, love, and miraculous healing to move beyond the deep wounds that our sin deals in others. As soon as we try to hurry the process along we fail to see the splintered mess that sin creates. Repairing a clean cut is easy. Sewing something that has been torn apart back together is hard. The reality is that it will never be the same.
Sin upsets what used to work. Sin upsets the relational connectivity between two souls, and this kind of connectivity is never repaired by a quick fix. To forgive in a quick, glib manner is to forgive cheaply. This kind of forgiveness allows (and can even encourage) victims to bury their pain and wounds. In this way of thinking they are supposed to “get over it” and move on. They are supposed to forgive and forget (incidentally, where are we told to forgive and forget in the Bible?) This thinking only victimizes the victim further.
In the repair of sin, it is the perpetrator, the one seeking forgiveness who gives power over to the victim. We move from the one who was in a place of power, giving the wound and submit ourselves to the one under, utterly helpless and placing ourselves in the hands of the one we wounded.
Perhaps this is why seeking forgiveness is so difficult.
Perhaps this is why we have tried to systematize it.
Perhaps this is why so many today live with no real healing.
In our repair of sin we need to see the ugly side. The side that damages those we love. For when we see the broken relationships and frayed emotions that sin creates, we may move toward a truer healing.