WHAT I AM LEARNING ABOUT ANXIETY
“It’s pretty much like stripping down naked and standing in front of a group of people to see what they think.” That was one way an author friend of mine described the feeling of what it’s like when you write a book.
It may be a bit dramatic, but it explains the situation well. Every single author I have spoken with about writing and publishing has described, in different ways, some feelings of anxiety when they release a book. And they all told me it was the worst when they released their first book, and I’m learning I am not immune to these feelings.
While my desire is to “surrender the outcomes” I still find myself getting anxious. What started as an idea in my mind is now a book, which means there are different expectations are placed on me by others, and expectations I place on myself.
These days, I’ve spent a lot of time dwelling on the words of Jesus, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life … Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (Matthew 6:25, 27) Still, at times, I turn the volume knob down in these comforting words and crank the volume on worry and anxiety. Needless to say, it has been a journey of looking within.
In the process of addressing this worry and anxiety I am learning a great deal about God, myself, and the discipline (and the art) of letting go. And I know I am not alone. So many of us struggle with anxiety and worry everyday. With that in mind, allow me to share three things I am learning in this process.
Don’t Let Others Determine the Outcomes
A few weeks ago over lunch a friend of mine asked, “When it comes to your book, what will you view as success?” I replied, “Well, I’m supposed to tell you that if only one person reads the book and is blessed by it then I will consider it to be a success. But that’s not true.”
But even after I said that, I found I could not answer his question. What are my preferred outcomes? What is success?
I thought on this for sometime and realized we often allow others to determine the outcomes. As I tried to answer the question about success, I found myself using the definitions of others. From the number of sales to positive reviews; my definitions were based on what others would think about me, and had little to do with what I was thinking.
What happened was subtle. I had allowed the thoughts, opinions and measurements of others to guide my thinking about outcomes. So I stopped and asked a simple question: “What do I want and desire from this experience?” The answer was simple.
It’s not about numbers, sales or fame. What I want is for people all over the place to be transformed by the same wild love, compassion, mercy and grace of God I’ve experienced - and I want to be a part of that. Why? Because the thing I love the most is seeing people wake up to the beautiful, deep, transforming love of God - a love that does not change who we are, but a love that shows us who we truly are.
It’s common in the Ignatian tradition to ask God for what we want and desire. So this is what I did. I’ve simply told God what I want, and asked him for it. Something in this is oddly comforting, because I know God knows what I want.
Think in Years, Not In Days
When I feel the clutches of anxiety squeezing my soul, I remind myself to think in years, not days. What I mean is when I have to make a big decision, have a big opportunity coming up or, say, release a book I ask, “How much headspace will I give this five or ten years from now?”
Just today I made a mental list of all the people and things I will still care about in ten years. My faith, my wife, my children, my closest friends, and the list went on. The longer the list, the more I felt at peace. Because, truth be told, my book did not make the list.
Whether my mom is the only one who likes it or if it’s a runaway best seller – in ten years I cannot say I will care much about it at all. If you are anything like me, we give so much airtime and headspace to things that are passing away. I want to give that mental and emotional energy today to the things and people that will matter in ten years.
Remember Who You Are
Anxiety often centers on us - our ability to control, our insecurity about how others will think of us or whether or not we will succeed or fail. Anxiety is nothing more than fear. We must remember if we have control or lose control, succeed or fail, become wildly popular or an object of scorn – none of that speaks to who we truly are.
We are beloved daughters and sons of the Almighty. And nothing can change that. What I am learning is God reminds us of that fact often. He does it through family, friends and, if we stop to listen, his gentle whisper.
St. Francis wrote about when he would return to his hometown and his father would come out and curse him publicly. In these times he would bring a friend with him, and Francis told him the following:
"When my father hurls curses and abuse at me, I will hear them painfully in one ear, but I ask you to walk on my other side, and whisper God's favor into my other ear. Say to me, 'Franics, you are my beloved son. You are a son of heaven and a son of God!' Just keep repeating it until I can believe it again!"
And I am thankful to have friends who whisper God’s favor in my other ear until I can believe it again.
They come from my wife, and her unfaltering love and support she gives me every single day. No. Matter. What. They come from my kids when they hug me, snuggle with me, and say “I love you.” They don’t care about my accomplishments, they just want me to chase them upstairs and wrestle with them before bedtime.
It’s my closest friends who remind me, I am a beloved son. Those who have seen me at my sparkling best and miserable worst – and still say with conviction, “I love you, brother.”
So here I am – it may feel like I am stripping naked and standing in front of a group of people. But even in the midst of that, these practices that I am learning remind me of one thing: no matter what happens in the coming days, weeks and months – worrying about it will not add a single hour to my life.
Unlost: Being Found by The One We Are Looking For, is available now on Amazon! Get your copy today by clicking here!