Wounded by the Church

Nearly every week I meet someone who tells me that they have been “hurt by the Church.” Every time I hear these words my heart breaks because I know exactly what they mean, and exactly what they don’t mean.

Many years ago my wife and I went through one of the most painful experiences in our lives. Our close friends and partners in a local church hurt us deeply. The fallout was massive. We lost friends who once called us their family. We lost a lot of money, and rumors about us abounded.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We trusted and loved these people and believed that they trusted and loved us. They invested in us and we invested in them. We were serving side-by-side in a local church. Then it was all suddenly gone.

I was effectively told that I was not worth it and that I was no longer needed or wanted. I will never forget standing in my kitchen the morning I told my wife of all that happened as we cried bitter tears together.

When someone tells me, “I was hurt by the Church” I know exactly what they mean. I have been hurt too. However, I also know what they don’t mean.

I believe that to speak of being hurt by “the Church” is a sort of safe way of speaking about our pain. It allows us to keep a sort of safe distance from the events that have wounded us, because the Church is a faceless thing.

Each Sunday our congregation gathers in a building in Denver. Some call this building the church. Many talk about going to this building to “go to church.” There are frequent questions about our church.

The word “church” is used in many contexts to mean many things. A building. An event. An organization.

There is an unspoken agreement on what we mean when we use the word in certain ways, but ultimately it is a term with a kind of generic meaning. What people don’t mean when they say, “I have been hurt by the Church” is that a faceless organization has hurt them.

What they really mean is that a person or group of people they associate with the Church has wounded them. As is often the case, to think or speak of their hurt in such personal terms stirs up painful emotion.

It is hard to talk about our wounds and say the names of our friends, pastors, or mentors who have caused the pain. Sometimes it feels like death to say exactly what they have done to us. Each time we retell the story something inside us replays our painful experience.

However, if we are ever to move past this kind of hurt and journey toward restoration that is exactly what we must do. Forgiveness can only exist where the truth is present and spoken.

This does not mean publically stating the person’s name and spilling all the details of their grievances. It does mean addressing the pain in appropriate ways, and if possible telling that person directly how they have hurt you.

There are no guarantees with this. You may share your wounds and offer of forgiveness only to have it thrown back in your face. This happened to me and made things even worse for a time.

As painful as this is, Miroslav Volf observes that in that moment you stand with the crucified and risen Jesus. The one who has given everything to offer forgiveness to all humanity, only to have many reject his love.

Of course for those of us who have been hurt, this is a terrifying idea. It means once again placing our trust in someone else. But the reality is that if we are ever to get out of our pain, we must go into it. We must acknowledge the hurtful moments and recall the injury. We must face down the lies that haunt us and tell us we are not wanted or unlovable.

For when we go into our pain, it is there that we will find Jesus. The one who bore our sorrow, our shame, and our pain. And in that place he will show us his wounds and we will hear him whisper, “I think you’re worth it and I think your lovable.”

If you have been hurt by the Church I know what you mean, and I know what you don't mean. I also know, through the goodness of God and his people, that because of those wounds I have experienced the love of God in a deeper way than I ever thought possible.

For in my wounds I found Jesus. One who knows exactly what we mean when we say that we have been hurt by the Church.