F-ing Prayer
Years ago I went for a drive at 1 AM. After driving aimlessly for thirty minutes or so I was at a stoplight. I looked up through my moon roof and prayed for the first time in months. “What the f*ck are you doing to me?”
That night in my car I vomited my rage, anger, sorrow, and fear all over God. It would have been censored if it were broadcast on network television. But in that moment that was all I had. There was nothing in me that could be happy or thank God for anything.
I hadn’t thought about that night until a few weeks ago. I grabbed a beer with a fellow, and he told me about the unexpected twists and turns in his life. His face screamed in pain as he spoke. He sat back, exhaled deeply, and said, “I just want to yell at God about this, but I want to have faith that he knows what he’s doing.”
Why do we make “having faith” and “raging before (or even at) God” things that are incompatible? What if these things go hand-in-hand?
I asked him if he was the kind of person that had an explosive temper. He chuckled and said, “Oh yeah.” Without my asking he told me about the latest circumstance that caused an outburst.
“In those moments is there someone you can call?” I continued, “The kind of friend that when they answer you can get rich to the screaming and yelling without saying hello knowing then won’t be offended?”
“My brother,” he said. His brother was his best friend; they talk about everything. He loves and trusts his brother because he knows that his brother will always love him.
I do the same thing as him. When my life is hard, when something angers me, or when I’m hurt there are friends I can call and unload on them. I know they are there for me. Friends like this remind me that I am loved and accepted exactly as I am. How much more God? Do we trust him as much as our friends?
Many people have this idea that faith precludes questions, anger, or doubt aimed his way. This is backwards. Faith is the very thing that allows us to do all these things. A beautiful display of faith is to trust God enough to give him our unfiltered pain, anger, and disillusionment – even if it gets explicit at times.
Faith is to be found not in our controlled prayerful monologues where we tell God what we think he wants to hear. Deep trust is telling God what’s really there - uncensored - knowing that he’s big enough to handle it.