I Don't Want To Be a Man (2nd Edition)
Recently I have been asked what I thought of the recent conversation about "men" in the 21st Century that seems to be coming up more often within the Evangelical Church. Several men in our faith community have approached me to ask about a community for men here at DCC, and several more have asked what I think about the "be a man!" attitude that some speak about. There is a lot I could say in response, and perhaps I will in future blogs. However, I went back to a blog that I wrote four years ago about this subject.
Since that time I have read much about men, and in particular, masculine spirituality (thank you Fr. Richard Rohr). What I have learned is a breath of fresh air. For the first time I have learned of the masculine and feminine aspects of God, learned to love and be loved by God as Father, and seen a spirituality that goes far above (and beyond) the typical male bravado. The bravado that often includes loud overtones of chauvinism and foolish machismo.
My conclusion in this blog that I wrote in 2006 was that men need to pursue Jesus and become like him. The more I understand Jesus, the more I believe this to be true. Jesus was such a man, and lived such a life, that Paul was able to say, " ... in him there is neither male nor female." Far from losing our identity connected to gender, we are able to find our truest selves as men and as women.
In the near future, I will share with you some of what I am learning about myself, as a man, and most importantly as a beloved son. Below is my old blog, I do hope you enjoy it.
From 09.2006 ::
Today, Myles and I were walking through a store, rounded a corner, and came to the hunting section. He pointed and said in his little voice, “Daddy wha’ are dose?” I looked and said, “Those are guns.” He then said, “Wha’ are dey for?” I replied, “They are for killing things.” He then said, “Do you kill things?” I said, “No, buddy Daddy doesn’t kill things.”
As we were talking I saw a few guys with camo shirts on that were nicely blending into the background of the department store. One of them must have caught my “Daddy doesn’t kill things comment” as he kind of gave me a puzzled, srunch-the-nose-in-confusion look. Part of me felt a little weird. I wanted to rip my shirt in half, wipe some of the deer scent on me, beat my chest, and eat a bear heart just to show that I was tough … that I was a man.
That I was a man? Is this really what my identity as a man has come to? I am not pointing the finger at hunters as people who do this simply because they are a man or to prove "they are a man." I do think however that the idea of being a guy has really been misunderstood in our world. Worse than that is seeing guys who have bought into the idea of what culture has told us men are to be.
While I hate labels, I watch television, see the media, and see the following labels to which was have acquiesced. Our culture tells us that guys love to eat, a lot, and that having a gut is cool because we eat so much. If you happen to have a gut it is really funny to gross your wife out with said gut.
If you are a guy when you are not thinking about food you are thinking about sex. Women are mere targets to us, because as men we cannot do anything to control ourselves. If we are guys who have any respect for women, or treat them with respect we are dorks.
Guys like cars (and should know a lot about fixing them), and the only mode of transport better than cars are motorcycles.
Guys do not like to read, and would much prefer banging painted bare chests with other guys at a football game in the snow than ever learn something by reading a book.
Guys have no motivation to do anything, and only ever do anything if their wife or girlfriend yells at them long enough and then they roll their eyes at her. It is of course easier to get a guy to do something if it involves fire, saws, or heavy machinery.
Guys love guns, explosions, blood, and anything that smacks of violence or destruction. The only thing better than watching these kinds of things on television is actually performing them to a lesser degree by using fireworks, shooting Bambi’s mom, or asking someone to punch them in the stomach (or the ear for you Chuck Palahniuk fans).
By these standards I do not want to be a man. Not that I am saying I want to be a woman, but whatever being a guy has become, it is just not something I want to be.
Now some of you are thinking, “Well most guys I know are like this.” If you are thinking this, then I say to you, “We have a crisis of epic proportions.” Might I remind you of what I wrote at the beginning of this blog:
"Worse than that is seeing guys who have bought into the idea of what culture has told us men are to be."
Why do we insist on perpetuating what our culture has told us what we are to be? We have bought into this whole “man” thing way to much.
I have a friend who has been caught in sin. He and I were talking about the fact that he was going to go before the board at his church and ask forgiveness for his sinfulness. He said to me, “My buddies told me that I had to 'be a man,' get tough, and own up to what I did wrong.”
I said back to him, “What does asking forgiveness of your faith community for what you have done have to do with you having a penis?” I continued, “You have chosen to do the right thing. Your sin has affected your community, but your asking forgiveness has more to do with being a disciple of Jesus. If you were a woman you should be doing the same thing.” Why have we made courage, toughness, and honor a thing about men?
Honestly, Esther had more courage than most any man I know. Deborah was tougher than many of the other judges who were men. If we are to speak of honor, should we look any further than the mother of Jesus? Can we stop profiling men please?
While men may say that they resemble many of the things described earlier, many are that way because we have been told and shown, our whole life that this is the way we are supposed to be. If anyone is told something about themselves long enough they will believe it.
Men have started to believe what they have been told. Buying into these messages is what is wrong with so many of us. So guys, stop acting like "guys" and let's start acting like Jesus. This is where all people, man or woman, will find themselves and our truest identity.