so impossible a kid can do it
The other day my son and daughter were fighting. Now this is nothing surprising, as it is what little kids do … especially brother and sister. So I broke up the fight. Both of them were crying and yelling at me to tell me why they were right and the other wrong. I finally said to them both, you need to apologize to one another and ask forgiveness.
In the more “grown up” world, we would say I was asking them to reconcile. With as much as my children apologize to one another, and presumably will continue to apologize to each other and others, one would think that people get better at the whole reconciliation thing. However, it seems that nothing could be further from the truth.
We live in a world that seems to think that reconciliation is impossible. When we hear of stories of reconciliation we stand in awe wondering how men and women could actually do something like that. Forgiveness and restoration are the exception to the rule in today’s world, not the rule. Admittedly reconciling is difficult.
One the one hand is the perpetrator. For reconciliation to occur the one who has committed the offense needs to confess to the “crime.” Most people are not good at doing this. Usually a confession is connected to the perpetrator telling the victim why he what he did, why he reacted the way he did, what the victim did that made him do what he did, or why he feels like he was not really wrong, but can understand why some people think he may be wrong.
None of these things are a confession. They are excuses. Confession is so difficult because it is simply saying three words “I was wrong.” It is giving the offended person the power to forgive or not forgive. It is placing the ability to fairly dispense justice to the party who was offended and claiming nothing for oneself. Confession is standing naked before the victim offering everything and demanding nothing. Confession, one part of reconciliation, seems impossible.
The second part of reconciliation is forgiveness. If confession is difficult, forgiveness is ridiculous. How can we forgive someone who has done something to us that cannot be undone? This is precisely why forgiveness is so difficult … no matter what we do we cannot change what has been done to us. So in our minds, if we do not forgive we do not close the door on the memory, we keep it alive. Withholding forgiveness keeps us in the place of power … or does it? When one confesses (or even if they do not confess) and the victim offers forgiveness they are asserting unbelievable power. By forgiving they are telling the perpetrator that that person will have no grip on them any longer. They are also giving something the offender is unable to get for himself. Forgiveness can only be given at the discretion of the victim.
Forgiveness also accuses the perpetrator. When we tell someone that we forgive them we are calling attention to the act performed against us; we are pointing to the offense and indicting the perpetrator. In doing this we are also placing justice in its proper place. When we forgive the offender we stand recognizing what that person deserves, and at times give credence to the consequences that inevitably follow. Forgiveness truly restores and moves the offender and the offended in the right direction.
Writing this is so simple. Living it is not. I am still mad at the person who cut me off this morning. My instinct tells me to cut them off worse than they did me. To give them some sort of single finger sign, to yell at them (even though they will never hear me), and if given the opportunity tell the people in my car why the other is a complete and total waste of flesh. This is not only my instinct but a cultural norm.
This is our world isn't it? Revenge not reconciliation. Getting even not offering forgiveness. The great epic movies of our time are predicated on the hero brutally killing the antagonist (think Gladiator, The Patriot, or a little less brutally violent ... Dodgeball). It is about the offended attaining vengeance on the offender.
Think about these words, "... there's no question about it, this act will not stand; we will find those who did it; we will smoke them out of their holes; we will get them running and we'll bring them to justice." These became a mantra of a presidential administration referring to the the violent retaliation they would inflict on men who inflicted a violent act on civilians. They hit us, we would not only hit them back, we would hit them harder and swifter. We would repay violence with violence. This is normal. The injustice done by the perpetrator would be rectified by injustice performed by the victim.
This is the world we live in. This is the norm. So why would we ever think that reconciliation is possible if all we see is retaliation and revenge?
The only way through this melee is for the Church to understand her role as reconcilers. We have been called to reconcile our relationships with one another, as God reconciled us to himself. He has given the church the task of telling everyone what he is doing, he uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them (adapted from The Message).
We are called to create a culture in which reconciliation is normal. We are called to live in such a way that confession is possible. We are not to create a place that is terrifying for the one confessing as they rightfully expect to be castigated and judged by their own faith community. We are to live as people who forgive as Jesus forgave. We are to pursue reconciliation (not apologizing then never, ever under any circumstances speaking to one another or hanging out together ever again while in the meantime causing all of your friends to be on your side) as the preferred outcome. Creating a culture of reconciliation is the job of the Church.
So there I stand with my kids. Asking them to apologize to one another. My son wraps his arms around my daughter’s head, kisses her on the top of it, and says, “I’m sorry I hit you, I forgive you.”
She looks up wiping away the tears that she had so recently cried because of her brother’s offense, and says “I forgib you, I yub you.”
She then kisses her brother. They look at me waiting to see what I will say. I bend down and give them both big hugs and kisses, and tell them I love them.
Then they both run away laughing with one another like nothing ever happened. As they did I thought to myself, “If only the Church could be more like children.” As this thought crossed my mind I was reminded of Jesus’ words, “Unless you become like little children …”
In the more “grown up” world, we would say I was asking them to reconcile. With as much as my children apologize to one another, and presumably will continue to apologize to each other and others, one would think that people get better at the whole reconciliation thing. However, it seems that nothing could be further from the truth.
We live in a world that seems to think that reconciliation is impossible. When we hear of stories of reconciliation we stand in awe wondering how men and women could actually do something like that. Forgiveness and restoration are the exception to the rule in today’s world, not the rule. Admittedly reconciling is difficult.
One the one hand is the perpetrator. For reconciliation to occur the one who has committed the offense needs to confess to the “crime.” Most people are not good at doing this. Usually a confession is connected to the perpetrator telling the victim why he what he did, why he reacted the way he did, what the victim did that made him do what he did, or why he feels like he was not really wrong, but can understand why some people think he may be wrong.
None of these things are a confession. They are excuses. Confession is so difficult because it is simply saying three words “I was wrong.” It is giving the offended person the power to forgive or not forgive. It is placing the ability to fairly dispense justice to the party who was offended and claiming nothing for oneself. Confession is standing naked before the victim offering everything and demanding nothing. Confession, one part of reconciliation, seems impossible.
The second part of reconciliation is forgiveness. If confession is difficult, forgiveness is ridiculous. How can we forgive someone who has done something to us that cannot be undone? This is precisely why forgiveness is so difficult … no matter what we do we cannot change what has been done to us. So in our minds, if we do not forgive we do not close the door on the memory, we keep it alive. Withholding forgiveness keeps us in the place of power … or does it? When one confesses (or even if they do not confess) and the victim offers forgiveness they are asserting unbelievable power. By forgiving they are telling the perpetrator that that person will have no grip on them any longer. They are also giving something the offender is unable to get for himself. Forgiveness can only be given at the discretion of the victim.
Forgiveness also accuses the perpetrator. When we tell someone that we forgive them we are calling attention to the act performed against us; we are pointing to the offense and indicting the perpetrator. In doing this we are also placing justice in its proper place. When we forgive the offender we stand recognizing what that person deserves, and at times give credence to the consequences that inevitably follow. Forgiveness truly restores and moves the offender and the offended in the right direction.
Writing this is so simple. Living it is not. I am still mad at the person who cut me off this morning. My instinct tells me to cut them off worse than they did me. To give them some sort of single finger sign, to yell at them (even though they will never hear me), and if given the opportunity tell the people in my car why the other is a complete and total waste of flesh. This is not only my instinct but a cultural norm.
This is our world isn't it? Revenge not reconciliation. Getting even not offering forgiveness. The great epic movies of our time are predicated on the hero brutally killing the antagonist (think Gladiator, The Patriot, or a little less brutally violent ... Dodgeball). It is about the offended attaining vengeance on the offender.
Think about these words, "... there's no question about it, this act will not stand; we will find those who did it; we will smoke them out of their holes; we will get them running and we'll bring them to justice." These became a mantra of a presidential administration referring to the the violent retaliation they would inflict on men who inflicted a violent act on civilians. They hit us, we would not only hit them back, we would hit them harder and swifter. We would repay violence with violence. This is normal. The injustice done by the perpetrator would be rectified by injustice performed by the victim.
This is the world we live in. This is the norm. So why would we ever think that reconciliation is possible if all we see is retaliation and revenge?
The only way through this melee is for the Church to understand her role as reconcilers. We have been called to reconcile our relationships with one another, as God reconciled us to himself. He has given the church the task of telling everyone what he is doing, he uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them (adapted from The Message).
We are called to create a culture in which reconciliation is normal. We are called to live in such a way that confession is possible. We are not to create a place that is terrifying for the one confessing as they rightfully expect to be castigated and judged by their own faith community. We are to live as people who forgive as Jesus forgave. We are to pursue reconciliation (not apologizing then never, ever under any circumstances speaking to one another or hanging out together ever again while in the meantime causing all of your friends to be on your side) as the preferred outcome. Creating a culture of reconciliation is the job of the Church.
So there I stand with my kids. Asking them to apologize to one another. My son wraps his arms around my daughter’s head, kisses her on the top of it, and says, “I’m sorry I hit you, I forgive you.”
She looks up wiping away the tears that she had so recently cried because of her brother’s offense, and says “I forgib you, I yub you.”
She then kisses her brother. They look at me waiting to see what I will say. I bend down and give them both big hugs and kisses, and tell them I love them.
Then they both run away laughing with one another like nothing ever happened. As they did I thought to myself, “If only the Church could be more like children.” As this thought crossed my mind I was reminded of Jesus’ words, “Unless you become like little children …”