pastors anonymous

Every other Wednesday night (or there about) a good friend of mine and I get together to talk about all things spiritual. It is a great time, one that I look forward when it comes back around. Last night it, according to him, it was “like 1,000 degrees” in his apartment. So we decided to head for a cooler destination. We headed down to An Roisin Dubh (a.k.a. The Black Rose) downtown to sit on the patio and chat for a while. Just as we arrived a friend of my friend walked out who had just finished her shift waiting tables. She sat down next to Andy, tossed a piece of paper on the table and said, “This is bullsh*t.” I looked down to see a $1,000,000 bill sitting in front of me. It was a well done bit of counterfeit currency, good texture, good color, I mean Grover Cleveland was even on the front of it.

I looked closer and realized that is said something like this:

Have you ever stolen anything, lied, cheated, or lusted in your heart? If you have God will condemn you on Judgment Day! Where will you go when God judges you?

Part of me wanted to write to the people who made the fake $1,000,000 bill and ask them if they realized that according to federal law they were lying, and had they thought of what they might say to God on Judgment Day?

Andy began to tell that I was a pastor, and I quickly shook my head and told him to say nothing (remember this part). I asked her what she thought about the paper in front of me, and she repeated her earlier sentiment. I really had to agree. It made me angry, and confused. Why have we made God and His message into this doom and gloom, fire and brimstone, fire breathing warlord who is being held against the wall by Jesus so that he does not kill everyone on earth?

We spoke for a time after this. She said that she was of Buddhist faith. I asked her what she liked about her faith. She spoke about how it gave her peace, how it gave her hope for her future, and how meditation helped her deal with things. I then told her a little about my faith. I told her that Jesus was not about “getting into religion to benefit yourself.” Rather Jesus was about living a life with a mission that was about other people. I asked her why she thought that humans were the only species in the world that practiced self sacrifice (i.e. a soldier jumping on a grenade to save his comrades, why people will die for the cause of whales, etc.). I asked her why we have never seen a National Geographic episode where a cheetah is chasing a gazelle, when into the frame we see a zebra come through and tackle the cheetah in an attempt to save the life of the gazelle. It just does not happen.

Why? What makes humans different? What is in us that is different? We spoke about heaven and hell. We spoke about what it would look like to bring heaven here, and that maybe this is the mission to which Jesus called us. At one point I do recall saying something about the Yankees beating the Tigers … again.

It was a great talk between the three of us. Then Andy blew my cover. He said, “Do you know what Michael’s job is?” Her face suddenly turned pale, she looked at me as though I was a knife wielding lunatic, and said almost in a whisper, “Oh my God, you’re a pastor?” (remember this too). She stood up, and said, “You’re a pastor!” She began to storm away feeling that she had just been sucker punched. Andy and I begged her not to leave. She agreed to stay for just a second. I asked about her church background, and as expected it was one filled with hurt. I said almost without thinking, “So in an effort to not grow into an old hypocrite like the people you hated, you left to do something else?”

She said, “Exactly.”

I told her of how much my heart has broken over people leaving the church, because for some reason I am continually seeing people leave the church for something that does not hand out hurt and disappointment in such massive doses. I told her that the reason I want to be a pastor is because maybe God would give me the chance to change one person’s mind about the church. If this happened then it would all be worth it.

We ended on a good note; she wanted to know about my faith community and for a split second thought about coming out to “check us out” sometime.

So why do I write all of this? Let me bring you back to two things.

ONE: I shook my head and told Andy to not say anything. This is my own “shame” for lack of a better word. Pastors have a reputation that is really hard to overcome. I hate this about what I do. I have an occupation that, with many, builds walls that I have to gently remove before I ever have a voice with those people who put the walls up.

TWO: She said, “Oh my God, you’re a pastor?” She had put up the wall. I had to gently remove it, and quickly. Compounded with her not liking pastors she had just spent the last bit of time in conversation with one. I asked her immediately after she found out about my secret why she was upset. She said, “Because you are going to tell me I am wrong, you are right, and if I disagree with you that I am going to go to hell.”

To be truthful when she found out that the word “pastor” occasionally is said just before my name, and became upset … part of me wanted to literally cry. My heart hurt, because this friend of my friend represents only one of many with whom I have had similar experiences. When I have had opportunity to ask why people think about pastors the way they do it generally boils down to a few things. First and foremost, they think that we act like people who have everything together, and have all the answers. So they buy into all the easy answers only to find a few weeks later none of the easy answers work.

Second we are the ultimate hypocrites. The rabbis say, “The greatest danger is not heresy it is hypocrisy.” So it is. One and two go hand in hand. Maybe we (pastors … all followers of Jesus for that matter) should just put down our idealistic notions of ourselves. So often we are the ones casting judgment on others about their beliefs, their “ungodliness” and/or any number of things. Meanwhile we are placing a more secure lock on our closest to ensure that none of the skeletons fall out.

I drove home happy and sad last night. I thanked God for the opportunity to speak with Andy again, and thankful that I was able to speak with his friend. I was also sad (but understood) about her reaction to the pastor. I simply said this on the way home several times out loud. Each time I said it I meant it more, and I spoke more slowly.

“I want people to look at You and Your Body on this earth in a more positive way because of my life.”